Dave Peaks [SDWS Historian]
STOP PRESS! Dave Wakelam elected Vice President
A collection of emails preceeding the election on 14 April 2012.
Nik Collett - 21 February
Gentlemen,
The nomination period for candidates in the election for SDWS Vice President has now closed. Thank you to those of you who submitted your choices. Nominations submitted have indicated 3 clear 'front-runners'.
- Tony Greenfield
- Dave Peaks
- Dave Wakelam
Nik Collett - 22 February
Gentlemen,
Reference the VP election process - hold everything! I have been informed that some candidates do not wish to be considered due to other commitments.
I have therefore had to recount the candidates' initial nominations to adjust the final list. Attached is the new (and final?) list of candidates for the post of Vice President of the Singapore Dawn Watchers Society:
- Tony Greenfield
- Dave Wakelam
- Willie Lawson
Willie Lawson
Dear electorate you may be wondering why SDWS needs a Vice President - it's because a President can't fool you all of the time, he needs help. I will stand for what I think you will fall for.
Although I've had no experience of SDWS office, this is no drawback. Even the very first Doctor of Dermatology had to start from scratch. Also all types of people get elected into office, for example Floella Benjamin is now in the House of Lords, how did she get there? Through the round window?
In the past whenever I've found the key to success, someone changes the lock, this time can be different. The Secretary requested a humorous submission but the trouble with jokes is they often get elected.
The Secretary also requested a vision of the future for SDWS, this is very difficult for an organisation like ours where the possibility of new members joining is unlikely. We should all treat each Reunion as if it's our last and one day we'll be right.
Finally I ask you, the SDWS electorate, to vote for me, please take my advice as I'll never use it......... Incidentally if anyone reading this submission is a Vegan, please ensure that you post your vote. You won't have the energy to get to Stratford.
Dave Wakelam
Dear electorate I know why SDWS needs a Vice President. Somebody needs to justify all the nefarious activity that took place in Bugis Street, Wareham Road, Princes Garni, the Merryland Bar, behind the men’s shower block, and Mick Conway’s bunk while Mick was out for the evening.
In the meantime, I ask you to consider who, along with Mick, Nod, Peaksy and Buns, got the show on the road again? Who got you gave you the tie and the plaque? Who gave you a better deal than Jock Cassidy could get at the Heathrow Trust House Forte, a trip to the Tiger Brewery, polo shirts, and the pool party in 2000. Who invented diceless liar dice at Chesford Grange, but let Peaksy win, much to Nod’s disgust? Who got you complimentary tickets to the Royal Armouries and cut price Tiger in Leeds? Who does the best forward rolls in SDWS (Hang on a minute – that’s Willie!)? And last but not least – The Chelsea Pensioners – who got you that?
I rest my case, but only because I’ve got a bad back.
Willie Lawson – 22 February
What's going on? Peaks out and Lawson in.............it's the equivalent of one of the top 3 parties standing aside in favour of the Monster Raving Loony’s!!
Gavin Greenwood – 22 February
Willie, the first step to world domination is the longest – after that it is just a ladder of bones, grasshopper
Nick Collett – 22 February
Members of the Illustrious Electorate, Acting as an impartial, I forward "A message to the Electorate" from one of your Vice Presidential candidates- The Right Honourable Willie Lawson:
“Forces are now in motion to which I cannot add, to which I cannot subtract. If the path is right the correct action is to do nothing and all will be done. I must prepare myself for what lies ahead, the predatory instincts of living things, the greed and finality buried in the hearts of men. When I come to meet the greatest test, the highest challenge, when I call upon my Chi, it will not desert me. I will ignore the insulting tongue, duck the provoking blow and run from the assault of the strong. This is not cowardice but the love of life. Man against man, it is a contest that must have an end and he who is the most skilled will prevail and we three are now all enjoined to do our utmost .............."
Dave Wakelam – 22 February
Subject: RE: Let Battle Commence!
Ah so honolaber plen. Vo fo me, I rub you,
Chin Peng.
Willie Lawson - 23 February
It was to be hoped that the campaign would be a clean one but within hours it was noted that one candidate has already tried to win votes by pretending to be a CT from the 60s. It had me temporarily fooled (until my 4 year old great-niece pointed out that he had used his own e mail contact) and some of you may have been deceived. In order to deflect any possible future scurrilous rumours against my character I wish to clarify the following:-
a. The fact that my children each have 6 points on their licences and I have none, is purely incidental.
b. My on-going correspondence with HMRC offices at Cardiff, Bradford Valley view and Cumbernauld is of a minor nature.
c. My Uncle Nigel during his time as Chancellor never, ever passed on pre-budget, privileged information that would have allowed me to move my overdraft to a more benign regime.
d. I have never claimed expenses for my 2nd home in Brittany and the fact that the local Mayor at Kernescleden has a case of Willd. iam Lawson's whisky in his cellar is clearly because the name is a genuine export label and had nothing to do with a successful boundary claim against my late French neighbour (God Rest Her Soul).
e. During my visits to France I have never used the name Dominic Strauss-Kahn in an attempt to gain favours, either financially or of a more sensitive nature and the only Offshore Account that I have applied for was with Victor Chandler (which was politely declined).
f. If members of the SDWS electorate have any questions concerning my efficacy, I can arrange a personal visit from either of my two election managers to assuage such fears. Please do not contact me but either Valerie Poohtin or Jo Starling, direct.
g. It is to his credit that fellow candidate Tony Greenfield has not stooped to the level of the other shameless member.
Dave Wakelam - 23 February
It appears that my multi-lingual response has got my Anglo-French opponent worried. He has obviously almost completely forgotten his Singapore roots and replaced them with Gallic ones. I must check his breath for Garlic!
Brian Ashcroft - 23 February
Dear Garlic Gob and Bob-a-Job - The silence from Gavin "Not So" Green-wood is deafening. Watch your backs.
Signed:
Worried from Wokingham
Graham Warburton - 23 February
Saya tak chak bahasu malay...but there's nothing like a bit of french...sorry mike ..a late evening in Hong Kong,,,,
Dave Wakelam – 23 February
Gott in Himmel! It’s the silence from Tony Greenwood that’s concerning me.
Willie Lawson - 23 February
Zut alors, mes braves! I used to smell of garlic after a meal at the Three Rings Restaurant in JB, but I'm not letting on who told me ..................anyway I've decided not to let Nick Verstehen from Bad Salzuflen ruffle me!
Dave Wakelam - 23 February
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Lawson? Ich bin off to O.Girke's morgen fruh to charter an invasion fleet!
Willie Lawson - 25 February
The great SDWS electorate has nominated me for candidature and for this expression of confidence; I wish to pass on my gratitude.
You the electorate must demand that your SDWS officials remain equal to their tasks and not sink to the level of philistines, they must be fearless and free from all panic when things get complicated or danger looms.
They should be wise and deliberate in deciding complex problems which require a comprehensive orientation and weighing of all pros and cons. They should be upright and honest and respect all of their fellow SDWS members, whether working class, peasantry or intelligentsia.
You the electorate do not require any vague, uncertain types in office.
The great writer Gogol aptly calls such people "neither one thing nor the other, neither Bogdan in town nor Seliphan in the country”, or "a middling sort of man, neither fish nor flesh, neither a candle for God nor a poker for the devil".
You should exercise influence on your SDWS officers, remember you have the power to recall them before expiration of their office, should they turn off the right road
This is my respectful advice to you, the advice of a grateful candidate to his electors. For those members becoming disillusioned with our rightful, hard-fought hustings; you have the benefit of a Delete button, the true sign of a modern democratic election system.
Dave Wakelam - 25 February
Good grief! My first thought is ‘Follow that!’, but follow that I will.............
I have been away from the computer for a few days but I can’t believe that there are “Dawnwatchers” out there who can’t see the funny side, and as your Chief Funster I promise I will hunt them down, rag, bag and s**g them to within an inch of their miserable human lives, spill a pint on their laps while they are sitting down; look, laugh, point and jeer at them; and all the rest of you have to do is vote for me. That doesn’t seem so unreasonable, now does it?
Chief Funster.
Willie Lawson - 26 February
Huh! Now you've won the votes of all the rest, I will have to persuade all of those who have been ragged, bagged and so on, to vote for me! (and still in the background is the silent, stealthy spectre of Tony Greenfield.......................the mysterious Third Man who might pop up Harry Lime-like from a sewer drain in the back streets of Stratford and pip us both).
Willie Lawson – 28 February
Vote for me and this is the sort of reward you can expect! Incidentally the name is NOT an invitation................
Malcolm Bryan – 28 February
This is the type of promotion I would expect from you. It's not a bad drop.
Dave Wakelam - 28 February
I realised it wasn’t an invitation, because if it was you would have said ‘Please’, because we all know you’re a man who never leaves his friend’s behind. (Note the clever use of the apostrophe!)
Nik Collett - 28 February
Honourable Candidates,
With the circulation of a patent bribe by one of your venerable number I believe that the we have now reached the pinnacle (or depth?) of electioneering in the current VP election process. May I ask that you now submit a brief final election statement to be published on the SDWS website. [Click HERE]
The statment should ideally be humourous, succinct and, of course, include your vision for the future!
Yours aye,
Nik
[Secretary SDWS]
Willie Lawson - 28 February
This request has come at an inopportune moment as my election campaign manager is in hospital. As a sideline to my work he took on the task of composing a marching tune for the British National Party and they have not taken kindly to his Reggae version of Hava Nagila............
Willie Lawson - 5 March
Rumour has it that Vladimir's campaign manager has now based himself short-term in Bad Salzuflen after his success further east.
Already an election theme tune for his candidate there has been launched, it's the old Hollies' hit 'On a Carousel'.
Whistleblower
Dave Wakelam - 5 March
Mein Gott!
Vistleblower has nearly found me out, but he’s wrong about ze theme tune. Our tune is based on our interpretation of the Democratic election rulebook – ‘Bend It’ by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Vladimir’s Begmen
Willie Lawson - 7 March
Election Raffle Prizes.
I will be breaking off from the hustings at some stage to make a quick trip to France, where I will be searching out suitable raffle prizes* for the Stratford electorate.
The Brittany vessel Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir, will soon be sailing though the Isthmus and the palm green shores of the Channel Isles loaded with my gifts of diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, topazes, cinnamon, Ivory (pre 1947), apes and peacocks, sandalwood, cedarwood, white (and Red) wine and gold moidores**.
No doubt my rival candidate overseas will simultaneously be butting through the Channel with his salt-caked smokestack and his prizes of Ruhr coal, road rails, pig lead, firewood, ironware and cheap tin trays..................
Take your pick, dear electorate.
* Depending on the result of the election, prizes may be withdrawn in their entirety at very short notice.
** Portuguese gold coin, current in England in the early 18th century and then worth about 27 shillings.
Dave Wakelam - 8 March
Oh shallow, shallow, garlic smelling, flowery tongued serpent of malice and deceit!
I will, as threatened, be mounting an invasion from the conquered territory of Holland, into the ancient British stronghold of East Anglia, en route via Peterborough to The Heart of England, to lead you all from the temptation promised by Willie. I have indeed prepared a shipment of Teutonic delights for the raffle, but what my ‘esteemed’ opponent has neglected to mention is that, included in that shipment is a crate of Warsteiner for him. I see this not as a bribe (I assume he is above that), but more of a cry for help from him, being one last barrier between him and the Priory – I don’t mean the Chicksands one!
I have ozzer vays of convincing you – by making you laugh and ENJOY YOURSELVES!!